The Art of Conversation

Having a chat with a child can be an adventure unto itself: it's a chance to explore their mind and their imagination. You get to turn over rocks and see what wriggles out!

There are infinite benefits to taking some dedicated time every day to sit and talk to your children, no matter how busy you are.

• Your child learns how to have a conversation! They learn by observing, but they learn even better by doing. By engaging with your child, making eye contact, taking turns, showing active and passive listening cues (nodding, saying, "Mm-hmm") and responding to what they say, you are modelling good conversation. Parents are the first and most influential role models.

• Your stress levels go down. By sitting down with your child, maybe over a glass of juice and a cookie, your heart rate drops, you move your own worries to the background (hopefully) and your oxytocin levels are affected, which leads to feelings of closeness and comfort.

• Your child feels listened to and loved. When your children come home after school and you're preparing dinner, or watching TV, and you can only give them, maybe, 50% of your attention, they may walk away feeling unheard, and become less likely to share their achievements or concerns with you. Taking a short time to give them all of your attention, to really listen and respond, helps them feel acknowledged and to know their feelings are valid.

• You learn what's going on in their lives! This seems obvious, but time flies by so quickly that we don't always know what they are dealing with at school, with their friends, or even at home. When you regularly sit and engage, they will open up about their lives and you have some insight into what's making them tick.

• Children whose parents talk to them have a bigger vocabulary. There is a possible correlation between how much parents talk to their children and the children's academic achievement -- although correlation doesn't necessarily equal causation, a home where parents take the time to engage with their kids is possibly a more stable and supportive home than one in which parents don't. The quality of the conversation matters, of course: words of encouragement, open questions, sentences which elicit responses (as opposed to imperatives or orders) will lead naturally to thoughtful conversations between adult and child.

Not sure where to start?

When my kids were around 4 and 2 years old and we found a regular babysitter, my husband and I started to take a night out every month, whether going for dinner, or a movie, or just a walk. On our first night out, we realised we had completely forgotten how to just hang out together and enjoy each other's company. We were struggling to find topics to talk about and our conversation was awkward and jumpy. I was disappointed at first until I realised we had to re-learn how to be ourselves when we weren't with our children.

Conversation is a skill, and one that can decay or grow.

I take each of my kids out at least once every week to get a milkshake or run a non-essential errand (maybe we go and buy a new cat toy, or stamps). My daughter enjoys sitting and talking face-to-face over a drink, while my son is more comfortable side-by-side, not making eye contact, when he wants to discuss something personal. Sometimes we just sit on the sofa, hit pause on the TV and ask each other what's new. I've learned to probe away gently when needed to get to some deeper feeling or question, and when to back off a bit (I daren't ask my son directly about relationships, but he'll gladly tell me when he has the space to bring it up himself).

When they were younger, these conversations often started over books or TV shows. Maybe they would be confused about something, or wonder why a character made a certain choice, and it would eventually lead to a chat about something bigger.

Now, when I read a picture book with my English students, they quickly open up to share their personal experiences and ideas. A book about Mr Tiger who hates wearing clothes becomes a long group discussion about why animals don't wear clothes, and why people do. Sharing a video about the life cycle of butterflies becomes a tour through a child's imaginary garden and the creatures that live there. Creating an environment where children feel free to express themselves is so critical. 

Sometimes, if you have an extremely talkative child, it's OK to switch off a bit! My son was a huge talker and could talk for half an hour, non-stop, about his Pokemon cards. If you asked me afterwards what he had said, I would honestly have no idea...